An Interview with President Gore

By Maureen Wowed

As the 2008 National Election rapidly approaches, I had the opportunity to sit down with the man who most agree is the smartest man to ever occupy the oval office, President Al Gore. We covered a wide range of topics and I must admit, we were both somewhat amazed at what a Democratic President and Congress can accomplish. I will enumerate the issues in the order of importance, as President Gore himself expressed:

1.  Global Warming

 The President has always considered this issue to be the most important that he tackled during his 8 years in office, and undoubtedly the most important of his lifetime. As the President has stated many times, “The war on Long Island, the economy, foreign affairs and national security, all seem inconsequential when you understand that the planet is rapidly dying”. The reduction in greenhouse gases is undeniably the most important accomplishment of President Gore’s presidency. Gore’s quick and decisive actions when he took office in January 2001 undoubtedly saved the world. Allowing even numbered license plates to drive on Mondays and Wednesdays, and odd to drive on Tuesdays and Thursdays, was a stroke of genius, according to most knowledgeable and well educated critics. Giving everyone Fridays off invigorated workers and almost certainly increased employee moral. President Gore observed “I see fathers and their children wearing their protective bicycle helmets and air filter masks, playing on their weedy but poison free lawns, and I know the Friday off policy has been a success. I know there was some criticism when we forgot about the existence of personalized license plates that don’t contain numbers, but we all know those plates are often owned by the rich and privileged. We quickly addressed the problem by allowing them to drive on weekends only, because we all know these people never worked a full week anyway and wasted the most energy with their SUVs and Cadillacs”.  President Gore’s policy of allowing only compact cars six feet in length or shorter, that run on gasoline 10% of the time or less, was essential to his reduction of greenhouse gases initiative. Gore’s observation that “Families don’t really need to drive 100 or 500 miles to vacation anymore” was brilliant. The existence of HD television has made vacation destinations such as the Grand Canyon and ocean beaches more available to everyone, especially the middle class. The added benefit as noted by Gore, “Our national parks and shorelines have never been cleaner or more pristine, they are no longer polluted and raped by unwelcome visitors. They look great on TV and or now available to everyone who took advantage of the government subsidized HDTV acquisition program”. Taking those outrageously large pollution generating semitrailers off the roads was also very important to President Gore’s greenhouse gas reduction policies. Gore again notes, “Honda Elements and Scion xBs have effectively replaced these pollution generating monsters.    I am sensitive to the increase in cost of a few goods due to the decreased hauling capacity of these vehicles. But let me once again remind you that the reality is that cheap food, which often contributes to obesity and pure health, Tommy Hilfiger jeans, and Nine West shoes are of absolutely no use if the planet is dead”. It’s kind of hard to argue with that observation. Under the Gore administration, coal fired electric generating plants and nuclear plants have disappeared. A few gasoline refineries still exist, but they too will soon be gone like the dinosaurs. Windmills and solar panels are today’s power generators, and President Gore predicts that within 10 years, the entire United States will have electric power again. The success of the “windmill condos” has been especially satisfying to President Gore. Gore muses that, “My political enemies, especially those right wing Republicans controlled by the special interest groups such as businesses and local governments, predicted gloom and doom when I initiated this project. Now what are they saying? Families living together in these wind powered electric generating  condos remind me of the old lighthouses of the past. The construction industry is booming as more and more of these condo communes are built. Only I foresaw this added benefit. Also, I might add that they make great locations to attach your HDTV satellite dishes”. 

2. Health Care

There’s really not a whole lot to discuss here, who besides a few right wing pundits and politicians can argue about the success of this program All Americans and what were previously called “illegal immigrants” now have free health care. Everyone is treated equally, with no attention to there position, income, or “citizenship” status. As President Gore recently stated, “We are all citizens of the world, who are we to judge who receives health care and who does not. The occupants of the United States now receive the exact same health care as I do, and what health care it is! I’m scheduled to have an annoying brown and black mole on my buttocks removed in 7 months, a colonoscopy in 2011, and a root canal in 2012. Middle Americans and OUSO’s (Other United States Occupants) no longer have to watch as rich doctors drive around in their Mercedes automobiles. These vehicles no longer exist and they couldn’t afford them if they did. This type of class warfare never had a place in this country. I understand that waiting for certain medical procedures can sometimes be a little painful. My toothache reminds me of that every day. But now everyone is equal. We all have an equal opportunity to live and die. This is the principle the United States was built upon. Sky rocketing taxes to pay for this program are the constant clamor of my political opponents. But again I ask, aren’t a few extra dollars worth free health care? What good is a little extra spending money if the planet is dying”? Gore’s logic and ability to link issues that many uninformed and uneducated individuals believe have no correlation has always been the genius of his presidency. This type of ability is indeed, hard to find.

3. The Economy

Never has one issue been so misunderstood and falsely reported upon. Right wing opponents of President Gore point to this issue as a colossal failure and disaster, but only the short sighted and uninformed see it this way. Gore observed, “Many of my political opponents and critics on Fox News blame my policies regarding global warming, health care, higher taxes, and the war on Long Island, as the problem. In reality, their inability to see the future where the economy thrives in a country free of large profit- motivated corporations, poorly run small business, risky financial markets, predatory lending practices, foolish risk takers, uneducated and unsophisticated local political leaders, and of course, GREEN HOUSE GASES, is the real problem. I predict that within the next 4 years, unemployment will decrease to 20%, banks and other lenders will again be in the position to make home loans, and the Dow will approach 1,000. And speaking of the DOW, how risky would it have been to invest some portion of individual social security contributions in the stock market?   Sure, in the short term, it would have been nice to have a highly successful economy with full employment, low interest rates, affordable housing, etc. But what is a truly successful economy? Is it the appealing things I just mentioned? No, it’s the citizens of the world doing the absolute best they can, with substantial help from the U.S. government, generated by the windfall profit taxes on windmill condo builders, on a planet free of GREEN HOUSE GASES”.

4. The Elections of 2004 and 2008

This issue and the war on Long Island are probably the two most controversial issues that have arisen during the Gore administration. The third most controversial issue, the Supreme Court, was discussed frequently during these two remaining issues, and therefore was not addressed individually. As usual, President Gore seemed to know what issues I wanted to discuss (it’s as if he somehow takes possession of my mind and body), and automatically spoke about the Supreme Court without me even mentioning it. First, the election of 2004. President Gore has always been consistent when discussing election results. Count all the votes. President Gore specifically stated, “I know a lot of people are concerned about the 2004 election. My political opponents have tried to use this issue to delegitimize my administration. The fact that the election results have not as yet been finalized is a tragedy, and due largely to the unprecedented politically posturing of the Republican Party. Sometimes I wonder, do they have no shame. I am fully aware of the rumors that I lost the popular vote in every state. I would attribute these rumors to strategic leaks orchestrated by the Republican Party. When the Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Lance Ito, my most recent appointment to the bench, ruled that women who had abortions must be allowed to vote twice (once for themselves and once for their aborted fetuses), the election was without a doubt thrown into an area never before considered. There were many issues to address. How do we find and contact these women, would their fetuses have been old enough to vote by 2004, and how do we register these voters without any unfair restrictions, such as a picture ID? These issues were settled by the Court and the votes have been cast. But counting these votes is more complicated than looking at hanging chads. Our latest court petition has merit. How could any of these voters have possibly voted Republican? Are their mothers not almost all registered Democrats? How many women out there really regret having an abortion (The late Attorney General Johnnie Cochran initiated an investigation concerning this question which is still ongoing)? I am confident this latest issue will be decided in our favor, and all the votes will be counted. The Republican position on this issue is absolutely contrary to their alleged pro-life position. They say they are pro-life, yet would deny an aborted fetus the right to vote. I simply do not understand such logic”.

The forthcoming election of 2008 again reveals the keen intellect, political savvy, and character judgment of President Gore. Gore stated, “When Vice President Joe Lieberman went off the reservation after the 2000 election, I immediately turned to John Edwards. He is a man of great intellect, honesty, and morality. He will make a great President, and will almost certainly defeat his tired old Republican opponent, John McCain. I mention Edwards’ last attribute in response to recent false rumors that Edwards had an extramarital affair during the time his wife was battling cancer. Some of his political adversaries have tried to compare Edwards to Bill Clinton. My relationship has been somewhat strained with former President Clinton, but I still believe he was a great President who liked his wife. As to the Edwards comparison to President Clinton’s personal behavior, I simply repeat the words of the one time Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Lloyd Bentsen: I knew Bill Clinton, John Edwards is no Bill Clinton”. Many right wing political pundits have questioned Gore’s decisions and policies, but President Gore’s unique ability to size up a persons character is almost God like.

(Side note: During this discussion, President Gore exhibited his now famous wit and sense of humor with a joke that was definitely not rehearsed. “You want to know the one person who was glad to hear Lloyd Bentsen state that Dan Quayle was no Jack Kennedy? Answer: Mrs. Quayle”)

5. The War on Long Island

Little did we know during the contested election of 2000, that we would be attacked on September 11, 2001 by criminal pilots and co-pilots. Luckily for the occupants of the United States, a man of reason and restraint was in the White House. Many of my fellow political pundits wonder to this day what would have happened if “cowboy” George W. Bush had been elected President. Would be living the life we have today? Would the U.S. and the planet still be in existence? Thank God and/or Allah we will never know. President Gore’s response was measured yet firm. As we all know, it exposed what an extremist Vice President Joe Lieberman had become, which cost him his job. President Gore fired several cruise missiles into the desert of Afghanistan, and completely destroyed several camel corrals believed to belong to the perps. Intelligence reports confirmed that it took several days to round them up. President Gore shrewdly addressed the concerns of PETA officials, assuring them that the strikes were surgical and no camels were harmed. Then President Gore personally took the investigation of the pilots and co-pilots away from the FAA, and assigned it to the FBI! This move was  described by many political pundits and columnists as being astonishingly brave and firm. President Gore let it be known that he would not be intimidated. Gore has since been frequently questioned about the long investigation and apparent lack of success. At one point Gore even expressed his frustrations, stating that “Now I see why some U. S. Attorneys say the FBI stands for Famous But Ineffective”. Recent developments have vindicated President Gore. The FBI recently announced that despite the death of the pilots and co-pilots in the attacks (and therefore no corroborating witnesses), charges will be filed against several flight attendants for failure to protect their passengers. Since the flight attendants are also believed by the FBI to probably be dead, several airline executives responsible for the flight attendants’ conduct may also be charged, along with several bank and telephone executives who blindly cooperated with the FAA when they still headed the investigation. As stated by President Gore, “Willful blindness cannot be ignored, especially when the rights of individuals who died in a terrible tragedy and who are presumed innocent are involved”.                       

Many right wingers blame the invasion of Long Island by suspected associates of the pilots and co-pilots, on the response of President Gore to the 9/11 attacks. President Gore passionately disagrees. Gore stated, “We know who these people are, but it would be offensive and divisive to specifically identify them”. Preferring to identify them as “unwanted guests” (UG’s as they have become known), the President vows and has so far assured that they will get no farther than Long Island. According to Gore, “We have more or less drawn a line at Queens, the surge has worked. This so called war has been frustrating for everyone. We may have lost a little territory, but our casualties have been light. We are negotiating constantly with our adversaries and are optimistic a cease fire will be negotiated soon. I see the United Nations beginning to take a significant role in the negotiations. I know we have to take responsibility for using some military assets to defend ourselves, but the United Nations must realize that the NYPD had limited resources available to them”. But the biggest controversy has arisen from what has been referred to as “the surge”. The extreme left did not want to commit more police and conservation officers to the fight, but the results have been undeniably positive. President Gore showed great courage in defying the wishes of some in his own political party, and doing what was right for the country. Gore vows, “I made the right decision. Those who opposed the surge should finally admit they were wrong. These UG’s are going no farther, I see victory sooner rather than later. Mission accomplished”.

Gore’s Republican opponents have gone absolutely ballistic, resorting to extreme partisanship and political bickering.. These “chicken hawks” wanted to use our military to defend Long Island, but as usual few of them actually had children that would be in harms way. According to Gore, “It’s easy for them to vote for war, they don’t have to console the families of fallen soldiers who die in a war that probably wasn’t that necessary”. Gore’s response to the critics that point out the suffering of the Long Island residents, “Those people aren’t like the victims of hurricane Katrina, they were warned days in advance to get out of Long Island and had the means to do so. They chose to stay. It’s not exactly like they don’t still have their HDTVs and the internet. When I invented the internet, I took into account that something like this could happen some day. They’re still free to call or email anyone they want, thanks to my foresight”. The Republicans have also recently criticized the Supreme Court’s decision to take up the case of one UG’s petition, claiming the right to register to vote. According to Gore, this could be an interesting case. “On its face, that right is certainly against our gut reaction. But we must be fair and balanced as prescribed by my critics, such as Bill O’Reilly. No one can deny that these individuals are occupants of the United States. If they are entitled to health care, then why not the right to vote”?

Gore’s final response to those that criticize his response to the attacks on 9/11 and the invasion of Long Island is both eye opening and a reminder of what could have been. It again reveals his unquestionable intelligence and one world view. Gore stated, “After the attacks on 9/11, my Republican adversaries wanted an overwhelming response. They wanted to use the military to invade Afghanistan and even Iraq. They wanted to sacrifice the lives of hundreds of brave United States soldiers to gain revenge. But revenge on whom? Some misguided pilots and co-pilots who may or may not have been associated with those claiming responsibility for the attacks. Before I put American troops in harm’s way, I want more than the unsubstantiated statements of alleged co-conspirators. Must we always fight our wars on foreign soil? A war of this type would have been devastating to our country, and even more important, extremely devastating to the planet. What good is freedom if the planet is dead”?